Her Hands on My Head

After the combination Tai Chi, Pilates, and yoga class today at my gym, we all lay on the floor, our breaths slowing in the cooling studio. The instructor went around to each student, and placed her hands on their forehead.

When she knelt behind me, I could smell the eucalyptus wafting from her fingers. She laid her palms on my temples, fingers splayed across my face. I inhaled, the scent catching somewhere deep in my body.

The acts of kindness we stumble upon, every day.

Closer

Each time I go to yoga, I feel I'm actually getting closer to where I need to be. Granted, usually I'm the youngest person in class - I go during the day (my unemployment allows me to do so) and am usually surrounded by women my mother's age and above. As horrible this is, I find myself checking out everyone's bodies...if I'm surrounded by flab, then why continue to practice something that makes me hurt and I'm not all that good at yet?

I'm sure I'll be berated by anyone who seriously practices yoga by claiming that I'm "not good yet". I realize yoga is a practice to better yourself, not something to master and move on. This is the same way to approach writing, I think - limber yourself up, but you can always stretch just a little bit further, tone your muscles a bit more. But I'm still hoping to be a buff bitch by the time I have to wiggle into my bikini in a couple of weeks.

When I say where I need to be, I suppose it's the feeling I get during and after practicing yoga. During my sessions, I try to focus only on the yogi leading the class and my own body. Keeping my body neat seems to be the goal of yoga. Tucking my hips underneath my rib cage, keeping my elbows to my side, my feet underneath my hips, my shoulders relaxed...it sounds confusing when I read it back. But after a couple of classes, it doesn't feel confusing to my body.

Besides yoga class, I've been going to classes that combine yoga, Pilates, and Tai Chi. I also have been hitting the cardio machines and free weights before or after the classes I attend as often as I can. At this point in my life, my graduate career behind me, and not many prospects ahead, I feel overwhelmed by lack of focus. For the past two years, I've been sprinting towards the end - always another due date, another book to read, another poem to revise. I don't have that now. It's hard not to be disappointed in myself, although I have many people in my life who remind me daily of what I've accomplished. I would like to be farther than I am right now, if that makes any sense to you, dear reader.

So this yoga and the gym are ways I'm achieving a goal now, because I have little to work towards right now that seems to be a reachable goal. Applying for jobs online is a time filler and little else, and tapping into my small pool of "connections" hasn't gotten me very far yet. I have a full-length poetry collection I could start submitting to contests, but I can't afford to start blow money on the reading fees for these contests until I have a more solid income. I know mine isn't an original tale, but this emptiness is new for me.

More Succesful

After the sweaty yoga horror, I rethought my plan. Working out blows. There are always a million things to do besides workout (including blogging about working out instead of actually working out). The last thing I needed was to absolutely dread a workout - this would only be yet another excuse to not get my swell on. I let my seven day trial period expire at the Bikram studio, and I admit, I feel a bit guilty. After only one try, maybe I wasn't giving this practice a chance. But the thought of going back to that sauna is enough to bring tears of anxiety to my eyes.

So, new plan: keep the yoga and lose the 112 degree part. I was part of a great gym a couple of years back, but had to cancel my membership due to my financial situation. Though that situation hasn't improved much (again, hire me!), I'm determined to make it work. With membership, the gym I'm part of offers a whole array of classes. Zumba, Pilates, and - drum roll - yoga. I decided this was a better route than Bikram - the gym membership is cheaper per month, and the fee includes full use of the gym.

I entered my first non-sweaty class with a mat I bought from Target; the boot camp instructor of a yogi lent me one at the Bikram studio. The class took place in the sun-filled loft studio on the top floor of the gym, with about fifteen people in attendance.

As class began, I became grateful for my past experience. Vinyasa yoga, a practice based on the in and out motion of breath, is similar to the poses in Bikram. I found myself being able to follow along with the instructor, albeit clumsily.

Vinyasa yoga incorporates downward facing dog into many sequences. This pose consists of having both hands and both feet on the mat, head hanging between shoulder blades with the butt lifted to the ceiling. If done correctly, the practicer looks like an upside down V.

I push into the first down dog successfully. The second one, I managed to lift my hips even further, creating a solid stretch in my hamstrings. During the third dog, I felt my hands start to slip. As the class progressed, the studio heated up a bit, causing me to sweat. My hands slid on the shiny plastic of the mat, as my down dog collapsed. I fell to the side, grunting loud enough to interrupt the elderly gentleman next to me. He turned his head in surprise, but was kind enough to say anything and carry on with his successful stretch.

The class couldn't be over fast enough, each of the poses becoming more difficult as my hands and feet slipped this way, then that way. I couldn't wait for the class to be over so I could powder my hands and return the mat to Target for a refund.